Chandni Chowk

Helloji, and namaste from NRV Travels [Pvt.] Ltd [Committed to service of traveler always] We are the best travel-bhraman guide service in Delhi, sirji. For non Hindi speaking traveler, we have non Hindi speaking guide [Nik], for culture-crazy traveler, we have singing-dancing-stripping guide [Rad], and for intelligent, sane and normal traveler, we have intelligent, sane and normal guide [Miss V]

Today, sirji, we are in Chandni Chowk, showing rich, diverse traditions of India. First, we are getting off from Chandni Chowk Metro Station. Look left. See the beautiful, golden piece heralding our architectural great? The lovely-feeling inducing arcs? Ah, yes. McDonald's. And now just behind that, you will see the Red Fort, also called Lal Qila. If you get up on time and Doordarshan is your preferred mode of entertainment, then this is the place from where the PM gives his speech on Independence Day every year.

Its great to know that such an awe inspiring monument is part of our cultural heritage. Like you're the co-owner, even if you own only a 1/1,000,000,000th of the place. Gives you this confident stride, and makes you saunter proudly though the security check.

"Arre, madam! Ticket kaha hai?"

Uh oh?

So..uh..uh... yeah! You see, its not a good idea to go without tickets. We only tried so we could report accurately, ji. Hamein toh pata tha.

Once andar, Miss V says to skip the memorabilia shops [in manner of hoity toity serious explorer on frugal budget who cares not for material pleasures] Radhika says, "Achha saamaan hai, par Janpath par yahi sab aadhe daam main milta hai." Nik says she doesn't understand what Radhika said.

Don't take any of those fake tout guides, who'll ask for 200 rupees to tell you a broken history of the place in broken Inglis. Just call us, ji. We are committed to service of traveler. We will show you the Diwan-e-Aam, Lahore Gate, Mussaman Burj and the shallow waterways in the midst of all the imperial apartments, that used to have Yamuna water flowing through them, presumably to soak in your feet after a hard day's work of meeting the aam junta. We also show you the best place to take a Khwaja Mere Khwaja photo too. We are best, no?

Now if your pet [stomach, not dog] says gud-gud, let us go to Parathewali Gali. We take you to no running mill place, we will take you to Pt. Gaya Prasad Shiv Charan Parathewala. All celebrities like Jawaharlal Nehru, Indira Gandhi, Akshay Kumar and the three of us have eaten here. It also won the best parathewale place award at HT's Eating Out Awards 2007. Here, you have to have the Hari Mirch paratha, if only to see if you would survive in Fear Factor. Come with big appetite though. Nik and I had one paratha each. The guy serving us looked shocked and asked if had not liked the food. Ah well. I would have loved to have more parathas, but ji, I have delicate stomach, so..

After this, we take you shopping. Rad will show chamki shops in Kinari Bazaar, where you can get sequins, stones, jewelled patches, and feather boas. Or you can buy pretty chamki sarees for Minakshi ke bhatije ki behen ki shaadi. Saste main kaam bhi ho jayega.

But what if you're an uncle and don't like wearing sarees? Not to worry sirji, we will take you to Dariba Kalan. While bhabhiji buys silver jewelery, why don't you get an IIFA award made for yourself? Sabki seva karte hai hum. We are committed to service of traveler.

Aww, Pappu toh reh gaya. No problem Pappu beta, engineer banana hai na? We'll take you to Nayi Sarak, where you can get all Pradeep, Modern, Primitive, sab. But Pappu is all rounder, no? Books bhi, looks bhi. And if you study all day, ainak toh lagegi hi. Ballimaran chalo! The best goggles and glasses in town, even Pappu's girlfriend [shh!] will approve!

Ab poora parivaar is sukhi parivaar, so let's make Bhagwaan happy too. Sisganj Gurudwara is our last stop for th day. As you eat kada prashad and feel blessed, we will make sure your shoes are kept safe. And when you are chaatoing the last daanas from your palms, we will not even laugh. We will only smile, and drop you at the Metro Station, and as the doors of the Metro close, we will say ta-ta. For we, Sirji, are committed to service of traveler.

Voices

"Can I have one earphone?"
"Yeah, sure."
"OYE! What is this?!"
"Afterglow. INXS."
"It is so slow... I thought you were a rap person. You look like a rap person. Orrr.. Hip Hop!"
"Um, no. Not rap. Not hip hop either."
"So you listen to Jagjit Singh then?"

"What do you keep on studying, ego and all? How to prove you're the best?"
"Vaidu, its called ECO."

"Yeah, so there was a question in my set that said - Where should a consumer go if dissatisfied with the District Consumer Forum? So I was gonna write National Forum, but I thought,'Vasu gets State Level certificates before National Level ones, and I wrote State Consumer Forum. Guess what, it was right!"

"Kabbadiwaaleyaaaaah, paper, paper. Raddi, puraane darwaaze, kursiyaan de. Purane bartan, pankhen de. Purane fridge, computer, laptop de.."

[watching a 6 year old and a 9 year old tumbling over each other, fighting.]
"I wish I was a kid again."
"Why? So that you could physically assault someone and get away without charges?"

"Oh, shut up. I watch Roadies as a case study in interpersonal sociological dynamics."

Introducing Bo

Meet Bo, the omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent pseudo God, half Satan.

Bhow, bhow,
Oh my God, its Bo!
You only reap what you sow
You have hairy palms, no?
We shall go - play with Play Doh
Hona hai jo, hone do.
Listen to the crow crow
The Indian Space Research Organisation is called ISRO
You rise when its dark
The heavens break apart
And quote to thee,
Lucifer's child, the ant clark
[Six, six six! The number of the Beast!]
Prepared is thy zoic feast
Thy arrows :
Will through bone marrow
And call to blithe mortals in a low baritone
'Minions, Armageddon nears
Look to the heavens, fear oh fear'
Bo, neo Zeus
Aam, seb, ganna juice
Das rupay, paanch rupay, teen rupay glass
Aao piyo, bahut hai khaas
A glass of sang-froid stands prepared
Vlad [the Impaler] hath not better fared
Slitting the throats of a thousand kind
Slaying more monsters than you can find
Woe betide thee oh Earth and Sea
O Bo, please set us free.

[Yes, I'm back.
Will reply to comments tomorrow though, I'm awfully sorry and awfully tired too. ]

[And the *cough* exquisite poetry is courtesy the us :


l-r, that's Nik, me and Rad. In case you're planning to sue for mental harassment, just er.. forget this. You're hallucinating. Really. :|]

The Idiot's Guide to Hacking Into Your Younger Sister's Windows Account

1. Switch on computer.

2. Click on naive-younger-sister's Windows account icon.

3. Ah, you need to enter the password. Click on password hint.

4. Password hint says "Pass word."

5. Pause.
Ponder.
Think of your sister's favorite telly shows.
Hmm.
Recess, Hannah Montana, Lizzie McGuire, Drake and Josh.

6. Type in p-a-s-s-w-o-r-d and press Enter.

7. Bingo.

*

Power to thin brained simpleton siblings! :D